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Loved, But Left Alone

Loved, But Left Alone

To the ones I love and have lost,

This decision wasn’t easy for me, but I needed to make it. This decision was life or death.. This decision was about my destiny. This decision was best for me, but somewhere along the way I lost you.

You were there for me in some of my darkest times. You were my friend and I love you dearly. I never thought I would lose you, but I knew I needed to change.

Somewhere between the decision to depart from a life of agony and embark on a pursuit of destiny, the phone calls didn’t come as frequently. The time that used to be filled with laughter and gossip turned into tension over declined invitations. Where there were once countless memories, now stand weeks of empty silence.

I didn’t realize how difficult it would be to explain my pursuit of purpose to someone who knew me so well. I didn’t realize you wouldn’t understand why this was life or death for me.

I couldn’t choose sin anymore. I couldn’t compromise my faith for your friendship. I couldn’t submit myself to temptation just to keep you close.

It hurts… It hurts to see our relationship fade from my present to my past. It hurts to watch you look at me with disdain and realize this love I have for God isn’t something I can explain.

I want you to choose life, but I can’t make that decision for you. I can only show you by example the benefit of choosing Christ, even if you decide to no longer have a front row seat in my life.

I love you. I will always love you. You will always have a place in my heart and a spot in my prayers.

I hope one day you will choose life, choose Christ and understand why I changed in such a short period of time. I wish you would you change with me, but until then, I must love from a distance.

To the one that I love, but have lost, I hope this is only goodbye for now.



I wonder if it hurts

To become a butterfly

To go from a being of the ground to one made for the sky

But as if that pain wasn’t enough

To then endure the task of breaking the cocoon

Coming out of its shell

It’s so much work to become a butterfly, so much to endure

But oh how beautiful you are

Religion vs Relation

Religion vs Relation

Religion comes with a set of rules

It makes you feel as though you can’t make mistakes 

A Utopian society created by the world’s idea of church

It gives less than it takes 

But when it comes to God I don’t want religion, I want relation

I need a friend

I need a lover

A confidant

A safe place to rest in chaos

Someone to ease pain when life produces distress

Religion attempts to create structure; relationship just feels more like home 

More like God 

So when my spirit is crushed, when my heart is burdened 

In the comforts of my own home

Don’t teach me religion

Teach me relation

I Miss You

I Miss You

Sometimes, in order to forgive and grow, you first have to acknowledge the pain. My father passed away from suicide when I was young, and this is a poem I wrote to him acknowledging the capacity of a daughter’s love for a father she barely knew.

This always happens when least expected

This feeling of love and rejection

A heart breaking feeling

Missing you

I feel my heart beat, and I know you aid its pulse

I feel my heart-break, and you fuel its fracture

Fathers are supposed to mend your heart, and hold you for your first heart-break. 

Not be your first heart-break 

And where are you now…

While my heart is breaking because of you

These tears that are falling because of you, 

Where are you to wipe them away

My need of acceptance

My need for a man’s love 

All because of you


Years later

And it’s still all because of you

-Rest in heaven Mark Stewart

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