I’ve typed out and erased these first few lines so many times. I wasn’t going to write this. At the end of the day, if nothing else is expressed, I just want to say…. I love you.
I’ve been angry with you for so long. I almost forgot what pure love for you felt like. Then, I heard your voice for the first time in years. I can’t explain exactly how that felt. As if all these years of being angry with you meant nothing; all you had to do was speak and the only emotion that remained was love. It made me realize that being angry with you, even if I felt justified in being so, was a waste of energy. I was angry with you and the most affected person was myself.
You were part of the fairy tale I was supposed to have been born into. A grandmother is similar to a fairy godmother. My safe haven when my parents are being too mean. Constant love. Constant acceptance. What happened?
I don’t know how it feels to have a child die before you. That’s not the natural order of things. That’s never the way it’s supposed to go, but it happened. I lost a father. You lost a son. That doesn’t give you a right to stop being my grandmother. I needed you. We were all healing and it felt like you walked out on my already broken heart. You stopped caring unless I was in your face. At least that’s how I felt. Now I realize we all heal differently, but, it took me a long time to realize that. To stop being selfish enough to try to see things from your point of view.
I forgive you. I wish I would have come to this place before you died. I wish I could have given you this letter in person, shared the tears, and expressed the love. I wish your grave site wasn’t the first time I’d seen you in over 5 years.
Seeing you there was the day I forgave you. They spread your ashes next to my father. It was the first time I had ever been to the rose garden. It was the hardest, most liberating thing I’ve had to experience in years. I dislike the circumstances within which it occurred. I’m thankful it happened. I’m glad you were there to experience it with me even if only in your ashes and the seeds you left in the people you loved.
I miss you. I love you with everything in me.
Rest in Heaven